Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Coolio's Fantastically Fucked Voyage

Fuckin' give it UP, yo...
Show of hands: How many of you can name a Coolio song OTHER than “Gangsta’s Paradise” or “Fantastic Voyage”?

Okay…now how many of you were in high school last time he was relevant? Show of hands…

I’ve about had it with this reality television formula: Take one part aging, washed-up former A-list music artist; one part sagacious, centering wife; add several parts’ rowdy, defiant, image-annihilating children; shake up, and strain in a nice, big house with cameras.

Coolio is the latest artist, but not the last I’m sure, to subject himself to the platitudinous reality show circuit with “Coolio and the Gang,” as a single dad “raising” (read: exploiting) his six teenaged kids (Two bits to a bottle of piss says they aren’t all from the same woman). I’m assuming that those Dangerous Minds royalty checks are drying up, so of course this must be the only reasonable way to maintain the opulent rapper lifestyle.

The idea behind “Coolio and the Gang” is that he’s looking after these mini-Coolios (who we’ll call “Coolats”) while starting a clothing line and “maintaining” his rap career, which is akin to convincing Aaliyah to be in a relationship with me. And the show is gonna be on the Oxygen network, of all stations! How in the blue hell does an unattractive, black rap artist with cornrows whose spent his career romancing gang culture get an audience with the white, XX-chromosome-having target Oxygen viewers?!?!? Was VH1’s programming schedule already too full of emu shit?

I’m going to call this now: Coolio will never release another album that anyone will truly care about, and his clothing line might rock on the boys’ rack at TJ Maxx, but he won’t be giving Sean John or Roc-a-Wear a run for their loot.

I’m also gonna call that no one will give a damn about “Coolio and the Gang.” The last time I recited any Coolio lyrics, I was still able to count my pubes, and I’m guessing you couldn’t pick up the phone and call someone who's bumped any of his music in the past several years.

Besides, no one is looking for a replacement of “Run’s House.”

1 comment:

Carla Ino said...

These shows are the last desperate gasp of air from a dried up celebrity. They think, by exploiting their lives/families, they'll see the commercial "success" of former reality stars like Jessica Simpson or Sharon Osbourne. Or, even, Flavor Flav. God forbid. It's pathetic. There are few artists - and families - I care enough about to follow. "Being Bobby Brown" was shameful, but comedy. Those are few and far between. More often you end up with a show that no one really cares about.

Now show me a reality show starring the Jackson family and I'm all in. What's REALLY going on with Janet's mystery illness? THAT's good tv! :-P