Banned RedEye column: Memoirs of the lovelorn and unshorn

Meeheehee...I dont care, this shit is funny.

Tampons. SCUD Missiles. Prince's Super Bowl guitar. The Sears Tower.

The phallic symbol is alive and well, manifested in many things we come in contact with on a regular basis. As a result, it doesn't take long for a boy growing up in this country to understand that the ideal penis is nice, long and…skinless.

Just about every circumcised man I've spoken with would have their shaft no other way, and most women admit a sexual preference for a mushroom-esque Johnson.

I'm packing all the skin down below that I fell out of my mama with. And confident as I am in my sexual prowess, I do deal with it as a lingering hang-up.

Between the YMCA showers as a kid and trips to my old man's porn cabinet, I figured early on that I was different than most guys in that department, and I didn't understand it until age 12 when my stepmother explained circumcision.

I didn't dwell much on it until my sophomore year in college, when a young lady who might have otherwise jumped my bones saw Little Dustin accidentally pop out of his hole. She told me some weeks later, in a casual conversation, that she wouldn't "go for mine" because I'm uncut.

That was just the beginning. Between that, and an inordinate number of references in the media to uncircumcised penises resembling a Shar-Pei, I developed a mild insecurity. When I meet someone new whom I think I'll eventually knock boots with, I like to cavalierly mention it at some point in conversation so as to prevent the "shock and awe" factor when the drawers eventually drop. "Wow, that salad really looks nice!" "Yeah, and the lettuce is freshly cut, unlike my penis!"

I used to always complain to my dad for not getting me cut after birth, and he'd always tell me to get it done now if I feel that strongly about it. But it's a done deal because an adult circumcision is out of the question; the idea of collapsing in wincing pain for weeks after surgery every time Salma Hayek pops up half-naked on television doesn't bode well with me.

And since the extra skin makes us a bit more susceptible to disease and germs, we need to work harder to keep things cleaner. Guys, keep that in mind next time you sleep with a lady who takes a bucket of Ammonia in the shower to clean herself.

But there are certainly benefits to not getting the big slice as an adult. The diminished sensitivity makes many of us marathon men in the bedroom; and of course, you remove all chances of pesky bleeding and infection from the surgery.

As of late, I've learned that at least one group of people can put uncut penises to practical use. Uncircumcised gay male couples use a sexual technique called "docking."
Google search it…just not in your work place.

Alas, I intend to stay complete for life. Love me, love my penis. Whole cultures have and still do carry on without the surgery, and while I don't have a copy of Gray's Anatomy on my bookshelf, I've never heard of non-circumcision as grounds for a medical disaster. Now if I can just get the idea of that "perfect" penis out of ladies' heads, I'll fare better.

Besides…it's not the size or shape of the sword, but how you wield it, right?