A PSA on stupid sex

Why yes...I'll take a loveless marriage with a side of redneck!

My friend Lisa and I were recently discussing “stupid sex” following my trip to the doctor’s office - and subsequent STD testing - earlier that day.

She said she didnt believe there were "degrees" of stupid sex: "If you have it without a condom, it’s stupid." was her assertion. But I thought about all the gray areas that exist in sexuality that make you go, “Hmm…it wasn’t an outright stupid decision, but if I could go back, I wouldn’t do it again.”

I think that above scenario fits in the realm of most sexually active people who’ve had multiple partners in their history. Having questionable sex often fits into being immature and naïve, but sometimes people are just plain stupid with the risks they take.

I devised a list of eight categories that I believe encompass silly, dumb-ass sex. I'm sure I probably missed an item or two, so feel free to shoot me a comment or three.

1. You aren’t using a condom and don’t know your partner’s middle name – Of course the safest sex is to use some method of disease-protecting contraception, but getting involved in a condom-free sexual relationship with someone with whom you’re monogamous should be fine. What’s ig’nant is having unprotected sex with some mofo you met three hours ago at the club over SoCo and lime shots. The “good feeling” you had about that person means the fuck-all when you find yourself leaking feta cheese from your genitals because you had sex with the town rag who “charmed” your silly ass into a foreseeable future with antibiotics.

2. You find a kid growing inside you when you aren’t ready – If you find that you or your partner are pregnant, and your first thought is “holy balls…whatmIgonnadonow??”, you fucked up. This applies to single people, folks in relationships and even married people who weren’t trying to have kids. You were being careless somewhere down the line, so now your whole perspective on life has changed: your plans to travel, grow personally and become financially stable are now accelerated or halted altogether…all because you went in on some dumb shit. Here’s the good thing: you always have the option to hit the “abort” button. If you get pregnant when actually using condoms or birth control, you didn’t have stupid sex…you’re among the two percent of people for whom shit happens. Which leads me to another point:

3. You are sloppy with birth control – Birth control is a bitch. From my understanding, it’s expensive and difficult to take on time all the time. Women make mistakes and forget it. Life happens. But I learned a long time ago that people are still willing to go raw daddy when there’s a missed a pill or two. That’s dumb shit. Either use a condom or wait until your shit is back in line before boning. I don’t wanna take the time to look up to see how many doe-eyed little bastards came into this world because mommy and daddy were slipping on birth control, but I doubt not that the numbers are there.

4. You’re into extreme sadomasochism/dangerous sex – To me, this is like shooting heroin: it may feel good and it should be your prerogative to do what you want to your body, but that doesn’t necessarily make it a good idea. If you literally can’t sit down because you have bloody whip welts on your asscheeks, or you like to be choked to near-asphyxiation during sex, you’re playing a dangerous game the likes of which I can’t even get with. Imagine what it’ll read in your obituary when it goes wrong: “Here lies so-and-so, dead from bacterial meningitis after recreating Two Girls and a Cup.” Now imagine how proud your parents would be.

5. One or both of you is cheating – This is the only entry of this list governed by morality, but I’m so fervently opposed to infidelity that a woman cheating on me could potentially be more detrimental to her immediate health than any silly STD. If you need to rail someone else that bad, break up. Or beat off and revisit the situation.

6. She has a ‘1’ in front of her age and you don’t – Not just stupid, but illegal in most cases. Find a grown woman who actually knows her way around a penis to have sex with. If you have any doubts, do like a bouncer and check IDs, because if you get that wrong, your next stop will be state prison where you’ll have to contend with:

7. Anal sex, no lube – See #4. If you don’t get why this is a problem, maybe you shouldn’t be having sex at all.

8. You know something your partner doesn’t - I would imagine strange warts and leaky discharges qualify as things that don’t look well on a resume of someone you’re looking to hop in bed with. That’s why CraigsList forums exist with people who have STDs that can get together. What’s not copacetic is having sex while carrying a disease that your partner doesn’t know about. I don’t care if you’re wearing a hazmat suit on your dick; they deserve the right to make the choice as to whether to sleep with you anyway. Sleeping and infecting someone with a disease you know you have is not only illegal, but it might get you shot before the sickness does you in.

I thought back on any instances of “stupid sex” that I may have had, and I realized that a) It was earlier on in my sex life before I had today’s sense; and b) Even then, I had the good sense to not do anything egregiously reckless with Little Dustin.

That’s why my test results came back clean. I also have to thank my several doctor and nurse friends who’ve shared stories of patients wasting away in the hospital because they chose the wrong hole. Oddly enough though, I think my desire to actually enjoy the financial, personal and sexual freedom of my 20s without having to worry about another mouth to feed besides my cat’s has driven me more than anything not to make ridiculous bedroom decisions.

Maybe the fundamentally religious Bible bangers have something to the simplicity of saving oneself for marriage. But then, those are same folks that also believe the billions of the world’s animal species were herded on one boat two at time, so…

I do think sexuality should be explored and enjoyed, and I don’t think it takes too much to do so safely and intelligently. I mean, shit is real in the field…it really does only take that one damn time to flip your whole world upside down and sideways.