Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Presidential blue

Let’s say you just scored the post of the highest office in the land.

The world is quite literally at your fingertips. You’ve got countless subordinates and droves of followers. You have the military might to erase entire countries off the map, and you know that all world leaders will think long and hard before developing the grapes to fuck with you.

Through it all, you have a taut, attractive wife by your side who has bore your children, defended you against all detractors and stood by you through the best and worst.

What would your very first move be?

No question for me. I’m finding the closest bed behind four walls and I’m making love to her.

And not just any old love will do. It’s gotta be that toe-curling, pillow-biting, sheet-loosening, sweaty, liquid-y screaming and hollering, yelling-'till-God-tells-you-to-keep-that-shit-down sex. That sex that makes quadruplets. That sex she’ll tell all her friends about and make them look at their sorry-ass partners like “You limp-dick mothafuckah!!!”

Y’all already know how my mind works. For some reason I got to thinking last night about if and how either of the presidential candidates maintained a sex life with their wives during this arduous campaign trail. I mean, you still gotta keep the home fires burning on the road to the big seat, right?

Did they get it on in their respective airplanes? They send all the advisors to the front of the cabin and put a sock on the curtain? Is there some smashing in the makeup room after a debate well-done? Perhaps the occasional nooner before getting in the hot seat with Bill O’Reilly or Larry King? Did Cindy McCain take care of Little John after he got pwned on The View?

It only fits the aesthetic of the presidency that the man holding the post should be capable of doing equal damage with his actual phallus as he is with the phallic weapons he has control over. The feeling I got from meeting Barack in person several years ago is that he’s probably sporting a hang low that crashes to the floor when he drops trou and that Michelle gets it on the regular. It wouldn’t surprise me a tad if President-Elect beats it up all week and we see Cute Obama Daughter #3 pop out in the White House's West Wing sometime next summer.

The feeling that I (and anyone with a high-definition television should) get from McCain is that he hasn’t had a natural erection since Bush 41 was in office, and that it probably takes nothing short of a truck-mounted crane to get him at any kind of attention to please Cindy. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if a scandal dropped in which Cindy – just a few years and a couple Botox injections past MILF status – is exposed to have participated in an extramarital affair sometime in the past decade.

Maybe he has a couple blue pills on standby in case the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse come trotting up the street and he actually takes this thing.

Not that I see that happening. If you haven’t voted yet, get your monkey ass to the polls now. Time’s still left to ensure that McCain doesn't get any victory cooze.

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